If you’re reading this, I don’t regret what I did. But I am sorry it had to be done. Some things are just better acted upon than left by the wayside to destiny. Perhaps that includes the situation we’re in now. I hope this letter isn’t crumpled, or otherwise smeared, beyond reading; I expect it’ll have been a while since my writing this before I could give it to you. I pray that my explanation of why you grew up the way you did – and why I played the role in it that I did – will give you some kind of closure or peace of mind. I’m not hoping for forgiveness, nor do I think I deserve it. But you deserve to at least understand the unfavorable circumstances of the early part of your life.
Just before your birth, so nearly twenty years ago at the time of writing this, the results of some underground studies came to light. These studies had been underground, because they didn’t exactly conform to the ethical norms that limit academia. The research had started with a few members, slowly garnering support from like-minded individuals. A couple of these shadow supporters were sociologists and psychologists of renown. Niche as it was, the following of the research was small – but enough to produce peer-reviewed, valid data and conclusions. In short, the studies had real conclusions about the way the world worked. I’ll summarize their main finding for you: the research unveiled that people who had been, to a point, abused in the developmental phases of their childhood, cared more about the pains experienced by other human beings. Knowing suffering, uncomfortably intimately, they wished it upon no-one else. As a result, many of these people dedicated their lives to making the world a better pace. Compared to the general population, these people were almost 40% more likely to spend large portions of their waking hours in support of others.
Of course, this kind of childhood mistreatment didn’t have the same useful effects on everyone (as you’ll know). About 5% of these kids eventually committed suicide or were otherwise unable to live a “normal” life. The remaining 55% or so were mostly able to live “normal” lives. About a third of them were in regular contact with psychologists or therapists (some of which were involved in the research), but they were able to live happy lives. Statistical analyses showed a significantly positive net effect for the human population in the long-term (the study had been carried out over at least 30 years). Simply put: the effect of an amount of childhood trauma was good. Or maybe “helpful” is a more fitting word for it.
Now, about inducing that trauma. Generously put, there was less intrigue about that – for obvious reasons. After the results of the studies reached public awareness, academia, understandably, rejected it. The underground researchers just assumed there wouldn’t be much, if any, outside interest for cooperation with “childhood redevelopment” programs. Most of their support came from personal networks regardless. There was, however, a large backlash from the research touching upon a larger audience. Some of the less cautious scientists were arrested, forcing the other researchers to go deeper underground. It didn’t put a damper on their spirits. In fact, it seemed to make them more convinced they were right. At least, that’s what I theorized from hearsay over time. It was about this point that I came in.
The scientists were looking to take their experiments to the next level, and it was to have real-world meaning. With the financial backing of anonymous sponsors (I assume also approached individually, through personal networks, or otherwise found through unsavory channels), they managed to create an orphanage. The one you grew up in. Then they searched for people whose understanding of ethics and moral values was flexible. These people had to have some basic relevant qualifications (e.g. a bachelor’s – or in some cases even only one year studied – in psychology). Most of all, the recruits had to be willing to administer the specified behavioral control methods, which is what you and your friends experienced growing up, and they had to have the capability to keep the research stowed away from the outside world. Some people joined for the salary. Others, like myself, joined because of the prospect of doing something good for society. Even if it was to be far in the future and at the cost of our humanity (though if “humanity” was measurable, I surmise those of us who did join wouldn’t score too high on that anyway). We were briefed on the history and necessary knowledge, and then those of us that passed the testing phase permanently joined the program – branding the future with our own image of progress.
You know the rest. Or most of it, at least. You were correct in suspecting, if you did, differential treatment for you and your friends. We had to exactly adjust our physical punishments to the bodily state of the children, which depended on factors such as age and size, to induce experienced pain in the most generalized manner possible. This need for preciseness in the physical punishment was also why all caretakers were required to maintain an excellent physique. We needed the power to beat children multiple times a day, but do so with delicate control. Also, of course, we had to do it in ways that wouldn’t leave any, or at the very minimum, any noticeable, marks. We were suspected a few times by outside eyes, but were never found out.
And lastly you were released into the world, as young adults who would go on to have an above average positive impact on the lives of others. One phase of the work was officially over. I have decided to quit working there, but at the time of writing this, they just started collecting the data from those who grew up alongside you. At the time of reading this, I suspect one or two orphanages will have opened, exploring redevelopment methods of inducing mental and emotional trauma respectively. I know this not for certain, as those faculties were irrelevant to my own job, which was focused solely on inducing physical trauma.
If you are reading this – and I’m writing this letter with the expectation that someone will – this letter is my regret. We did not, and still do not, know enough about the body and the brain to predict for which individuals this redevelopment will ultimately have positive effects. We do not know exactly what produces “successes”. You are probably not one of those “successes”. Know that I’m sorry for that, and know that I know that isn’t enough. Also, know that I would do what I did again. It was for a greater good, and I can conceive no more worthy a cause than that.
That confession alone may be enough for you to have to kill me, if you haven’t already. If I were unable to hand you this letter because you killed me instantly, I shall count that as a measure of luck which I did not deserve. It falls within reason, though, for you to torture me before you kill me, so I can imagine at least some of the pain which I brought upon you. Let this be my fate, then. I have done far too much for any man to still be called human. As proof of the sincerity of these words, I shall not have fought or resisted you, despite my fitness and ability to do so. My demise, whatever form it takes, shall very likely have been an effect of my serving that greater good in the way I have done. I knew this the day I joined the research, and have accepted this fate ever since. It was the right choice, followed by the right actions; I stand by this. However, let my death replace your own, in case you harbor thoughts of committing suicide. You, reading this, are an unintended outcome of the experiment – a failure, for you have killed or otherwise hurt me. For that I do not blame you, but it means you do not identify strongly enough with the pain in other humans for us to have labelled you a “success”. Still, this does not make you a failed human being. You can still do good for yourself and for others. If you can find therapeutic solace in my defeat, then do so fully. I shall be happy for you, somewhere inside myself, and I pray for you to share the sentiment someday.
Now I shall exit this world, and leave it in the hands of those who are better than me.
Sincerely,
Your guardian.
